The Jig is Up

or maybe the year almost is.

A lot has happened this year, and this is not going to be a highs-and-lows of the year regrets-and-triumphs blog post. Although I have nothing against those.

I will say, however, that this has been a lifechanging year for me. in many ways. someday I might tell you about it.

lyric overheard in a book store: "Gaps in my diary speak volumes about me."

song i've been listening to over & over: Get It Faster by Jimmy Eat World

quote: "If I had a fresh start I'd probably fail." -Gary Baker

I love you all.

-kmac

p.s.

"Today I bought a piece of pie. Its total, $3.14 I laughed out loud. The waitress didn't get it. MLIA"

"Today, my dad asked me if they deliver emails on Sundays. MLIA"

Oh, hey, Christmas!

it's way too close.

I've been reading a lot of MLIA:

"I've been using the same chap stick for a month now but it hasn't been working that well. My brother gave it to me as a gift but all it does is make my lips sticky. I told my friend and showed her the chapstick, she started laughing and told me that it's a glue stick. MLIA"

"Today, I was trying to decide whether or not I needed to wash my favorite hoodie. I looked at the tag and it said: "Machine wash, tumble dry low. Or just wear it dirty." My decision was made. MLIA"

[one of my favorites ever! /\]

and Tom Swifties:

"I dropped the toothpaste," said Tom, crestfallen.

"Here's someone who can't speak!" exclaimed Tom dumbfoundedly.

I've also been working a bunch with Kate Pitchford in photoshop...

We decided against using this, haha :)

& taking pictures with my sister

I love you all.

This week...

...has been good so far :)

"never desire revenge. it requires real strength to love man and to love him despite all invitations to do otherwise, all provocations and all reasons why one should not. happiness and strength endure only in the absence of hate. to hate alone is the road to disaster. to love is the road to strength. to love in spite of all is the secret of greatness." -L. Ron Hubbard

today's xkcd made me LOLZ, click:

Oddly enough, I started writing a story once about the sun dying. I gave up on it. This would've been a great way to conclude it. ;)

I'm a little bit mad at myself for neglecting the three (four?) people that read my blog. So from now on, I'll try my hardest to update regularly.

Song I've Listened To Over & Over This Week: "Something About Us" by Daft Punk

I was on conference calls for 4 1/2 hours yesterday. So I slept in today & was generally lazier than I should be. But I felt totally justified. ;)

-Kmac

Tour has been teaching me a lot about myself.

Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime.

Marie.

I haven't felt very inspired to write on my blog, but I thought I'd tell you about somebody I love very much.

Her name is Marie.

You might know her.

Her last name is Jeffries.

She inspires me.

A few days ago we ran to the store to get a wrap for Tim's twisted ankle. First of all, Tim needs to take better care of his ankle. But secondly while we were at the store Marie explained why she was there by saying; "I find out what people need, and I get it for them. I fix it." It's just what she does.

Tonight, in the middle of the program, one of the girls needed to safety pin her dress, and Marie went running out to find a safety pin and then utilized her near-superhero-like safety-pinning abilities to aid in this dire situation. Because...that's what she does. She helps when people need help. She loves when people need love. She wants to work with IJM when she grows up.

Marie is so focused on other people, has such a heart for the hurting and lost and abused and misused and mistreated and ignored, that the way she lives her life is one of the most powerful examples of love I know.

I love Marie, and I hope some day I can love like Marie.

I need to re-learn, or learn for the first time, how to have a serious conversation. Since I wrote that post about wanting to...I've mostly failed...it's as if I didn't learn to walk when I was young, and I still crawl around.

In other news: tour is amazing. :)

Hello.

I miss...

this

that

nothing

everything

you.

Lip Syncer's Worship

I'm a lip syncer. I lip sync. I love lip syncing. Highly emotional songs like Mariah Carey's "Without You" and Maroon 5's "Harder to Breathe" are among my favorites. As I mouth the words (and occasionally dance lamely) I can feel the emotions behind them. Though I may never have experienced the events that are lyricised by Johnny Cash's "Hurt" or Kate Nash's "Foundations" I can almost imagine feeling the way they do. Emotion is a powerful drug...maybe that's why I enjoy the art of lip syncing so much.

But.

 But.

I've begun to wonder in worship these past few weeks whether I am just lip syncing aloud. When I cry "Blessed be the Lord!" do I mean it? Or is this lip syncers worship? Do I believe that "my God is mighty to save"? What is my faith?

This years ICC theme "Lead the Escape" is represented by the image of a parrot. The idea is to lead the escape from artificial communication to authentic communication.

When I lip sync I am parroting the words and emotions of the singers and songwriters. When I worship...am I doing the same thing?

What if my faith is a lip syncers faith? What if I say the words of the hymns, repeat those of the oft-quoted verses, and all I'm doing is parroting the truth? Is it still the truth?

Lip syncers worship.

Lip syncers faith.

Lip syncers love.

I say I love so many people. But do I?

"I love you."

"I love you."

"I love you."

I say it every day. Am I parroting these feelings?

I want to escape to authenticity!

I want to be real. 

Authentic worship.

Authentic faith.

True love.

God. Lead my escape. 

to.be.real.

For a while now I have been a sarcastic, fun-loving (and occasionally incredibly witty) version of myself. No matter what situation I find myself in I inevitably respond with either a sarcastic comment, a pun, a change of subject, or silence.

But I can't shake this desire to change. There is that person inside of me that wants to think and feel and experience serious things. I do, very often by myself, ponder and think and examine what really makes this universe run. And I like that. :) 

I do the same thing in the speeches I give. I find that in front of three judges and a timer I can be as serious as I want, and it feels like freedom. Now having given my persuasive at the Hutchins' youth group in RI...I'm finding I've bridged the gap between my speaking life and my, shall we say, real life. I had the opportunity to talk to a few people there about how I felt about a cause that is very serious and important to me.

Sure, I've "spoken in the community" before...but only in more formal settings, and mostly with interps.

This upcoming internship with Communicators For Christ is, I think, going to do the same thing...for the better. It's going to force me to care, really and truly, to mean what I say on the platform, and to have a serious conversation or two with people.

That's been my problem for a long time. Having a real, real, real conversation. An actual two-way interaction that involves a serious topic, without spending the entire time cracking jokes or avoiding the subject.

I'm gonna go grab some breakfast, and maybe strike up a conversation over a bagel or a bowl of cereal.

New Layout! [and some other life updates]

Guess what?!

I'm posting twice in the same month. OH YEAH!

{technically the layout isn't new, I just switched out the pictures and the colors, so...new-ish}

I've been having fun with Photoshop Elements lately. See: new banner & the picture below:

I also got a new computer. :insert happy dance here:

I've been working on my classes for tour. That's actually been quite fun, talking about tacos? yeah. yeah. hard work.

I'm officially addicted to twitter. That's...all I have to say on that subject.

Also, mom has gotten me into "So You Think You Can Dance?" and I really like this song so...

{p.s. Evan is my favorite}

Well...that's enough about me. People are so inherently selfish that it's so easy to talk about yourself, and I kinda hate that. It's also what blog posts always end up doing for me...so :shrug:

{i'm leaving}

I wonder if I'll have the gumption to blog while I'm away? 

oh well.

I'll try.

....

Goal Setting

New Years, Summer, next week, a new day! These are all opportunities people grab on to and occasionally decide to use as a jumpstart for new life. A new year coming? Time to make your new years resolutions! What are you going to do over the summer? How about, starting Monday, you actually get some work done. Make a to-do list! Come on, you can do it!
For some reason I've always found to-do lists oddly comforting. I feel that if I write a to-do list the night before I have more reason to get up in the morning and get going. But something about this has irked me for a while. When I write "do load of laundry" on my list for the next day, why can't I just do it right then? What's stopping me from putting clothes in the wash before I head off to bed? Or writing a letter to a friend, sending an important email, or...the ever dreaded...working on SAT prep. Why don't I just do it now? If it's five o'clock in the afternoon and I've finished my work for the day, why can't I go on to the work I set aside for tomorrow? The point is, I can but I don't.
I think this idea applies to new years resolutions and summer goals and "oh, I'll be productive next week!" I don't know about you, but things like that have always been more of an excuse for me to put things off now, than to get things done in the future. New years resolutions are notoriously broken, I almost never accomplish every goal on a "major goals" list I create [see: working on apologetics, debate, SAT, and my novel at the same time...not really happenin'].
Goals are not always an excuse to procrastinate. Good goal-setters will begin working on their goals as soon as they create them. But, me, I'm not a good goal setter. I set goals, but I always seem to either be reaching far too high with them, or I just feel so accomplished upon setting my goals that I don't work on achieving them.


I want to do things. But I don't want to just want to do things. I want to actually do them! That Nike slogan always annoyed me, "Just do it!" Who are they to tell me what to do? I need my metaphorically miraculous sneakers, something to get me going. But what am I missing? The motivation? No, I feel so motivated I could burst with it. The courage? Maybe, yes. Yesterday I was almost too scared to order a sandwich...until the guy at the sandwich shop asked if I was ready to order. The song "Courage is..." is so inspiring [but has, as yet, motivated no change in my behavior]:

"Courage is when you're afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain,
But you keep on living anyway

We all have excuses why
Living in fear something in us dies
Like a bird with broken wings
It's not how high he flies,
But the song he sings

Courage is when you're afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway

Courage is when you're in pain,
But you keep on living anyway"

I need courage. Courage to begin. I can't just set goals, I have to carry them out. God, please just help me do what you want me to do, and to get it done as soon as possible.

Thanks for...reading? I was going to say listening, but that wouldn't make sense :P

Embracing Unoriginality

I'm going to write a novel.

next month.

and I'm "borrowing" ideas from many things I've read/seen/heard of. and I don't care, because I've come to realize that creative writing is a lot more about creative execution than creative ideas.

<3 

How?

what?

why?

<3

I've always been annoyed by those people who say "don't give away your heart", like loving someone will take away from yourself. Almost like...if you love someone and they don't love you back, then it wasn't worth it, then you've wasted your heart. Disregarding the physical, or romantic ideas behind it, "giving away your heart" is not a bad thing.

I love a lot of people. I'm not gonna lie, they're everywhere. 

And...I don't know...I'm not sure...but I think that a "heart" in context of this love, is not limited, like a physical heart is. I think that, with God's help, we can love every single person in the world. That doesn't mean we will, but I think it means we don't have to withold anything.

If God commands us to love everyone, then we should at least try.

For me, it's hard not to love someone. [CASC, but, really, I find it difficult]

There are literally hundreds of people across the country that I *love*, I mean really love. Like, it makes my heart glad to think of them and sad to miss them.

Maybe I just haven't met anyone bad enough, but I can't recall meeting a single person I don't like. Eventually, when I become friends with these people, spend time with them, and get to know them I love them.

[don't ask me to define love in this context...let's say it's either agape, or philia]

[that flaunting of Greek terms was just for you Hayley ;)]

Why can't we 'give away our hearts'? if God tells us to do it, He'll replenish our supply of heart if we need it.

meh, I'm not sure if I'm right, I've just been thinking about this a lot recently.

wastin' time

I'm frantically writing a speech.

Attempting to finish it by 3. Right now it's 2:38.

and yet, I stopped to post on my blog.

What is my problem?

Is it because it convicts me, that I don't like my procrastination speech? 

hm.

bye

p.s. if you are Hayley, or in my family, you know that this did not end up working out *goes off to finish speech*

Spam (154)

that's what my gmail keeps telling me.

I have a lot of spam.

So I went in there to delete it today and noticed that most of it was 'cleverly' disguised as being from "me". 

The bait.

yes, yes, the subject lines, while the interiors of the emails are probably just trying to sell me stuff/make me send money to foreign countries, the subject lines are what get me.

Here are a few.

"Sandy will sue you"

"Where were you last night?"

"Fire near your house!"

"Come to accounting department now"

"Check answering machine please"

"Need you in hospital"

"So I will see you this evening or not?" --the terrible grammar in this one kills me.

"Check if you attached files..." --anyone who has ever been my debate partner will find this hilarious. xD

Just thought I'd share those before I hit 'delete forever'.

Edifying music, anyone?

I plan on writing a post about the super-fabulous Freedom tournament sometime in the future. But for now I have a question for you all...and by "you all" I mean...the three people who read this.

Do you know any good Christian music?

A while back I got so sick of the monotonous, repetitive, and down right annoying, style of most  contemporary Christian music. 

As a result, I've almost nearly abandoned listening to Christian music at all.

That isn't right.

Help me out here, if you don't mind. 

{at this moment I am listening to Brandon Heath's "Give Me Your Eyes", because that is an awesome song, I wanna hear more stuff like this}

Michael is juggling apples...

...and he just dropped some on the ground, oops!

At the moment I'm listening to Taylor Swift's live cover of Rihanna's "Umbrella".

That tells you a little bit about what kind of music I listen to. :)

I like female country singers who have a non-crooning voice [Taylor Swift, Carrie Underwood, etc.], and I like rap (but only the non-objectionable kind), and I like the Jonas Brothers. 

Yes, I did just say that.

I've been thinking a lot about why I like certain types of music, because I like almost everything.

The first thing is lyrics. If the lyrics are good I could care less how it sounds, because the message is amazing. 

Secondly, though, if a song sounds good, I enjoy listening to it. And, to my ears, for some reason, most music sounds good. I'm using 'sounds good' as a loose term here for 'sounds nice to me'. 

My favorite songs to listen to change from day to day, or week to week. Right now I'm really into Taylor Swift and Jesse McCartney, a few months ago you would've found me listening to Carrie Underwood or David Archuleta non-stop. And before that? Switchfoot all the way!

And now, at this very moment, I am listening to Demi Lovato. She's cool ;)

My brother likes to say that my taste in music, is that I have no taste in music. He's mostly right, I'm not too over-critical of the music I like.

There are pretty much two factors that would discourage me from listening to a song/artist: 'objectionable content' (swearing, sex, excessive drug references, etc.), OR lyrics I cannot hear...like screamo.

So, this post was kinda lame, but I don't know, I just wanted to try to explain. 

<3

'Reaching so hard my hands are hurting...'

∞

what is it?

God is ∞.

I can't comprehend that.

I have lots of work to do today, and hopefully I'll be able to finish my to-do list and then some. But I just wanted to post...because I can, and because I like to think about stuff.

Sometimes I wonder whether because I like a lot of shallow things [Jonas Brothers & The Disney Channel, anyone?] it makes me seem like a shallow person. Or like I don't think.

I love thinking. I love turning a problem around in my head until I'm sick of it. Contemplation, of things simple or deep, important or inconsequential, is something I do often.

Speaking of The Jonas Brothers, next time I think I'll talk about my musical taste...or lack thereof ;)