to.be.real.

For a while now I have been a sarcastic, fun-loving (and occasionally incredibly witty) version of myself. No matter what situation I find myself in I inevitably respond with either a sarcastic comment, a pun, a change of subject, or silence.

But I can't shake this desire to change. There is that person inside of me that wants to think and feel and experience serious things. I do, very often by myself, ponder and think and examine what really makes this universe run. And I like that. :) 

I do the same thing in the speeches I give. I find that in front of three judges and a timer I can be as serious as I want, and it feels like freedom. Now having given my persuasive at the Hutchins' youth group in RI...I'm finding I've bridged the gap between my speaking life and my, shall we say, real life. I had the opportunity to talk to a few people there about how I felt about a cause that is very serious and important to me.

Sure, I've "spoken in the community" before...but only in more formal settings, and mostly with interps.

This upcoming internship with Communicators For Christ is, I think, going to do the same thing...for the better. It's going to force me to care, really and truly, to mean what I say on the platform, and to have a serious conversation or two with people.

That's been my problem for a long time. Having a real, real, real conversation. An actual two-way interaction that involves a serious topic, without spending the entire time cracking jokes or avoiding the subject.

I'm gonna go grab some breakfast, and maybe strike up a conversation over a bagel or a bowl of cereal.

New Layout! [and some other life updates]

Guess what?!

I'm posting twice in the same month. OH YEAH!

{technically the layout isn't new, I just switched out the pictures and the colors, so...new-ish}

I've been having fun with Photoshop Elements lately. See: new banner & the picture below:

I also got a new computer. :insert happy dance here:

I've been working on my classes for tour. That's actually been quite fun, talking about tacos? yeah. yeah. hard work.

I'm officially addicted to twitter. That's...all I have to say on that subject.

Also, mom has gotten me into "So You Think You Can Dance?" and I really like this song so...

{p.s. Evan is my favorite}

Well...that's enough about me. People are so inherently selfish that it's so easy to talk about yourself, and I kinda hate that. It's also what blog posts always end up doing for me...so :shrug:

{i'm leaving}

I wonder if I'll have the gumption to blog while I'm away? 

oh well.

I'll try.

....

Goal Setting

New Years, Summer, next week, a new day! These are all opportunities people grab on to and occasionally decide to use as a jumpstart for new life. A new year coming? Time to make your new years resolutions! What are you going to do over the summer? How about, starting Monday, you actually get some work done. Make a to-do list! Come on, you can do it!
For some reason I've always found to-do lists oddly comforting. I feel that if I write a to-do list the night before I have more reason to get up in the morning and get going. But something about this has irked me for a while. When I write "do load of laundry" on my list for the next day, why can't I just do it right then? What's stopping me from putting clothes in the wash before I head off to bed? Or writing a letter to a friend, sending an important email, or...the ever dreaded...working on SAT prep. Why don't I just do it now? If it's five o'clock in the afternoon and I've finished my work for the day, why can't I go on to the work I set aside for tomorrow? The point is, I can but I don't.
I think this idea applies to new years resolutions and summer goals and "oh, I'll be productive next week!" I don't know about you, but things like that have always been more of an excuse for me to put things off now, than to get things done in the future. New years resolutions are notoriously broken, I almost never accomplish every goal on a "major goals" list I create [see: working on apologetics, debate, SAT, and my novel at the same time...not really happenin'].
Goals are not always an excuse to procrastinate. Good goal-setters will begin working on their goals as soon as they create them. But, me, I'm not a good goal setter. I set goals, but I always seem to either be reaching far too high with them, or I just feel so accomplished upon setting my goals that I don't work on achieving them.


I want to do things. But I don't want to just want to do things. I want to actually do them! That Nike slogan always annoyed me, "Just do it!" Who are they to tell me what to do? I need my metaphorically miraculous sneakers, something to get me going. But what am I missing? The motivation? No, I feel so motivated I could burst with it. The courage? Maybe, yes. Yesterday I was almost too scared to order a sandwich...until the guy at the sandwich shop asked if I was ready to order. The song "Courage is..." is so inspiring [but has, as yet, motivated no change in my behavior]:

"Courage is when you're afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway
Courage is when you're in pain,
But you keep on living anyway

We all have excuses why
Living in fear something in us dies
Like a bird with broken wings
It's not how high he flies,
But the song he sings

Courage is when you're afraid,
But you keep on moving anyway

Courage is when you're in pain,
But you keep on living anyway"

I need courage. Courage to begin. I can't just set goals, I have to carry them out. God, please just help me do what you want me to do, and to get it done as soon as possible.

Thanks for...reading? I was going to say listening, but that wouldn't make sense :P

Embracing Unoriginality

I'm going to write a novel.

next month.

and I'm "borrowing" ideas from many things I've read/seen/heard of. and I don't care, because I've come to realize that creative writing is a lot more about creative execution than creative ideas.

<3 

How?